Lately, I've started noticing something.
Almost every disappointment I've had in the last few years didn't begin when something went wrong. It began much earlier. It began the moment I unknowingly started expecting reality to unfold in a certain way.
Expectations are just invisible contracts we write for other people. The problem is, they never agreed to them.
It's strange how sitting alone can sometimes feel easier than sitting with someone you genuinely like. The moment another person enters the picture, your mind quietly begins writing a story. You expect them to stay a little longer. You expect them to reply to your message. You expect them to choose you. You expect them to understand you. And before you know it, you've imagined a version of reality that hasn't happened yet.
I started noticing this everywhere. You get upset because your friend didn't attend the class you wanted them to attend - not because they did something wrong, but because you'd already imagined the two of you leaving college together. You feel frustrated because someone hasn't replied to your text, even though they never promised they would. You miss a party and feel miserable because you'd already imagined how much fun you would've had. You do someone a favour and quietly hope they'll appreciate it. Even breakups become harder because, somewhere deep down, you expect the other person to miss you the same way you miss them.
Maybe disappointment isn't created by reality at all. Maybe it's created by the distance between reality and the version of reality we had already rehearsed in our heads.
I don't think the solution is to stop caring, and I certainly don't think it's becoming emotionally detached from everyone around us. That sounds good in theory. I'm just not sure it's possible.
Instead, I've been trying to replace expectations with one simple thought:
Happy to be here.
Happy to have had the conversation. Happy they showed up at all. Happy to have helped someone. Happy to have shared a meal. Happy to experience this moment for what it is, instead of grieving what I hoped it would become.
Happy to be here.
I've also started thinking differently about doing favours. Somewhere along the way, we've become incredibly transactional. "I did this for you." "So what do I get back?"
Maybe every now and then it's worth doing something simply because it feels right. Not because someone will remember it. Not because they'll owe you one. Just because helping another human being feels good. If you expect nothing in return, the reward arrives the moment you've done the deed. Everything after that becomes a bonus.
I'm still trying to live like this, and I fail more often than I'd like. But every time I catch myself feeling disappointed, I try to ask myself the same question:
Was I disappointed by reality? Or by the version of reality I had already imagined?